So, the scale says I have gained weight, a few days ago it said 106. I think its water weight, I hope it just is because my period is soon. I was eating a bit too much, but not enough to gain, i think. Im sorry for not blogging for so long, its been so hectic around here lately. Me and Joel have been having trouble, and I cant help but blame it all on me. And the fact that this skinny bitch is all over him, doesnt help. It makes me feel so fat. I have a new motivation. Get him reinterested in me as I get smaller. When I was loosing he was always all over me. He loved my hips, if my ribs were showing they would drive him insane.
I miss him wanting me and tell me. He seems distant, its understandable, i've been a bit needy since its this time of year. Also my bulimia is trying to pop up. Its such an easy way to deal with things, binge and consume all your feelings, purge and watch them all fall away. Im trying to just starve instead, but its less short term satisfying. But in the end its amazing.
I kind of miss the feeling of purging, my parents have just been home so much, that I'm scared to purge in fear of being caught. I've been really depressed and insecure lately. I dont feel good enough and I cant handle anything right now. Its getting really hard. I miss blogging because it helped me spill my mind. I shall do more.
Im stressing really bad because in a few days its a year since i was raped. I try not to think about it, but its blarring in my face. Im glad I starved most of the day, I didnt eat alot. I had more then I wanted, but it was still, kinda reasonable. I went to the store and got more veggies, and muesli to try.
Has anyone ever had muesli? I was reading about it in this book I was reading and wanted to try it, but if I have it, Im not allowed to eat anything but fruit the rest of the day. And even then not that much. ALSO I have completely cut out mac n cheese, and Im only allowed pasta ONCE a week. If I have it more then that, I have to fast for 2-3 days. Also if i eat too much of it, I have to fast for a day. Im cutting down on calories, boosting the amount of water I drink because I've been drinking less lately and I think thats why I was eating more. I was dehydrated.
Pretty much, Im trying to loose weight, and be beautiful soon. One day i shall be thin, and hopefully Joel starts to notice the weight loss again, he said I would drive him crazy at ~95lbs. I cant wait to surprise him and be like "GUESS WHAT! Im 94lbs." And watch him drool. And soon enough, maybe Ill even be thin enough for my taste....but that'll be at my goal goal weight, 80lbs, I wish sooo bad to be 80
I miss him wanting me and tell me. He seems distant, its understandable, i've been a bit needy since its this time of year. Also my bulimia is trying to pop up. Its such an easy way to deal with things, binge and consume all your feelings, purge and watch them all fall away. Im trying to just starve instead, but its less short term satisfying. But in the end its amazing.
I kind of miss the feeling of purging, my parents have just been home so much, that I'm scared to purge in fear of being caught. I've been really depressed and insecure lately. I dont feel good enough and I cant handle anything right now. Its getting really hard. I miss blogging because it helped me spill my mind. I shall do more.
Im stressing really bad because in a few days its a year since i was raped. I try not to think about it, but its blarring in my face. Im glad I starved most of the day, I didnt eat alot. I had more then I wanted, but it was still, kinda reasonable. I went to the store and got more veggies, and muesli to try.
Has anyone ever had muesli? I was reading about it in this book I was reading and wanted to try it, but if I have it, Im not allowed to eat anything but fruit the rest of the day. And even then not that much. ALSO I have completely cut out mac n cheese, and Im only allowed pasta ONCE a week. If I have it more then that, I have to fast for 2-3 days. Also if i eat too much of it, I have to fast for a day. Im cutting down on calories, boosting the amount of water I drink because I've been drinking less lately and I think thats why I was eating more. I was dehydrated.
Pretty much, Im trying to loose weight, and be beautiful soon. One day i shall be thin, and hopefully Joel starts to notice the weight loss again, he said I would drive him crazy at ~95lbs. I cant wait to surprise him and be like "GUESS WHAT! Im 94lbs." And watch him drool. And soon enough, maybe Ill even be thin enough for my taste....but that'll be at my goal goal weight, 80lbs, I wish sooo bad to be 80
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