SO, I'm pissed at myself about yesterday. I binged, I was doing so well, on the scale that morning 106lbs flat. Not extra ounces, and then I binged and I swear I gained weight. I was so scared to check this morning. I went most of the day without food, I ate only when Joel gave me chips and his mother made me grilled cheese.
Thankfully, I walked quite a bit today around town. I burned some calories, but that grilled cheese is haunting me. I hope it doesn't make me gain. I'm debating on getting on the scale tomorrow, I'm almost terrified to, but terrified not to know. I don't know which is worse. My plan for tomorrow is to not eat at all, hopefully I will be able to do this without my medication.
I need money, I want diet pills again, I miss them and they help on the days without my meds, but Im broke D: When i get money, I shall get more pills, most likely hydroxycut again. That shit was funnn, and helpful. Also, I need to stop letting people bum cigs from me, because my packs are lasting so short amounts of time. And that just blows away my money. I need a job. D:
On another note, Im getting more depressed. I've been getting so down lately, especially at night. Joel has been distant lately and I feel like we might be growing apart. Im also scared someone is going to come along and steal him from me. Or I'm going to fuck up and he's going to leave me. I think Im starting to depend on Erik a bit again, i dont know if this is a good thing or not. Its scary that I can talk to him, but its getting hard to talk to joel.
I've been crying more lately, or being on the verge of it quite often. My mood is slipping further and further. Im tempted to ask for new antidepressants, even though i dont take my prozac. It makes me irritable.
I really just wish I could sit down and talk to Joel and let it all out and cry and have him hold me, but I doubt that will happen, so in the meantime I will take comfort in the fact that Im getting smaller and smaller before theyre eyes.
Thankfully, I walked quite a bit today around town. I burned some calories, but that grilled cheese is haunting me. I hope it doesn't make me gain. I'm debating on getting on the scale tomorrow, I'm almost terrified to, but terrified not to know. I don't know which is worse. My plan for tomorrow is to not eat at all, hopefully I will be able to do this without my medication.
I need money, I want diet pills again, I miss them and they help on the days without my meds, but Im broke D: When i get money, I shall get more pills, most likely hydroxycut again. That shit was funnn, and helpful. Also, I need to stop letting people bum cigs from me, because my packs are lasting so short amounts of time. And that just blows away my money. I need a job. D:
On another note, Im getting more depressed. I've been getting so down lately, especially at night. Joel has been distant lately and I feel like we might be growing apart. Im also scared someone is going to come along and steal him from me. Or I'm going to fuck up and he's going to leave me. I think Im starting to depend on Erik a bit again, i dont know if this is a good thing or not. Its scary that I can talk to him, but its getting hard to talk to joel.
I've been crying more lately, or being on the verge of it quite often. My mood is slipping further and further. Im tempted to ask for new antidepressants, even though i dont take my prozac. It makes me irritable.
I really just wish I could sit down and talk to Joel and let it all out and cry and have him hold me, but I doubt that will happen, so in the meantime I will take comfort in the fact that Im getting smaller and smaller before theyre eyes.
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