Success, I have regained some control. I have not eaten all day. It's nearly 11pm. I am proud of myself. I plan to keep this up for as long as I can. I've been failing at not eating, cause once I eat, I can't stop myself the rest of the day. Its horrible. I got two new books, Wasted and Biting Anorexia. I'm currently reading Wasted, and its SOOO good. Hella deep and intense. My mum also freaked out at me about the book, telling me that if she saw me get "to thin" she would send me to a hospital. I told her she was being stupid and overreacting to my reading choice, then got out of the car and left.
So I'm walking on eggshells, but I'm going to loose weight, I need to wear baggy-ish clothes around them, or a sweatshirt. Well, once I start loosing weight that is. Thank god I haven't gained all that much. Its still gross, but its about 6 pounds or so. I've been too scared to actually weigh myself, so I just know random ones, and the one from Joel's house, which is wrong.
It's been turmoil lately, soo chaotic, I need stability. Ana is stable. November is my worst month, it brings back sooo many horrible memories from a few years ago. I want them to go away, so bad. Also, things have been kinda rocky with me and Joel, it scares me. That was stable, now its all out of order and nothing is certain. My OCD has been going crazy. I need control over something.
To top it all off, my ex boyfriend who I fell sooo hard for, has started talking to me again. He's been telling me he misses me and he loves me, and the worst mistake of his life was breaking up with me. It's the hardest thing to listen too, also he's been trying to get me to go see him, and I want to, but I can't yet, and I'm busy whenever he calls. It hurts so much to hear everything, I gave up on him a few months ago. I got with Joel. I love Joel. I still love Erik(my ex). I'm sooo torn. I dont know what is going on in anything in my life and its so out of control.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for not blogging for a while, I'll start doing it more again. I need to, it helps.
Goodbye girls,
Neko
So I'm walking on eggshells, but I'm going to loose weight, I need to wear baggy-ish clothes around them, or a sweatshirt. Well, once I start loosing weight that is. Thank god I haven't gained all that much. Its still gross, but its about 6 pounds or so. I've been too scared to actually weigh myself, so I just know random ones, and the one from Joel's house, which is wrong.
It's been turmoil lately, soo chaotic, I need stability. Ana is stable. November is my worst month, it brings back sooo many horrible memories from a few years ago. I want them to go away, so bad. Also, things have been kinda rocky with me and Joel, it scares me. That was stable, now its all out of order and nothing is certain. My OCD has been going crazy. I need control over something.
To top it all off, my ex boyfriend who I fell sooo hard for, has started talking to me again. He's been telling me he misses me and he loves me, and the worst mistake of his life was breaking up with me. It's the hardest thing to listen too, also he's been trying to get me to go see him, and I want to, but I can't yet, and I'm busy whenever he calls. It hurts so much to hear everything, I gave up on him a few months ago. I got with Joel. I love Joel. I still love Erik(my ex). I'm sooo torn. I dont know what is going on in anything in my life and its so out of control.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for not blogging for a while, I'll start doing it more again. I need to, it helps.
Goodbye girls,
Neko
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